I hope y’all had a great Christmas.
Even if the Christmas Spirit didn’t arrive to my door until the last minute, we still had a wonderful time.
One of Hubby’s cousins invited us over her house. She opens her house every Christmas Eve to her family as well to all her friends who will be alone for the evening. So, by the time we sat to have dinner, there were around 35 people at her house. She has a great spirit. Her philosophy: family is the ones we choose, not the ones we are imposed.
It was a great evening, full of joy, laugh and really great food.
Well, we arrived back home at 3:15 am.
We were so tired, I just took a quick shower and I hit my bed, because, I was the Christmas lunch host for Hubby’s family.
And then the night mare started……. By 8:50 am, I woke up with severe abdominal pain. I mean I wanted to scream……..
Well, long story short: I had food poison or some kind of stomach bug, because I was the only one who got sick. I mean, I got so sick I had to call off the Christmas Lunch, because I couldn’t leave the bathroom. By 4:00pm, I was feeling really well, but it was a Christmas to remember; )
Now, it is time to go back to work for three more days.
If you haven’t read the first part, go here.
Fast forward to the begin of 2010. If you have been reading my blog since then, you would remember the tragedy of my miscarriage. Even though I know I should turn the page on this subject, it is frustrating to me that they didn’t discover anything, which I am definitely on the dark with the reasons for my 1st miscarriage.
But, the selfish me, always asked to the God, the same one I don’t trust at this very moment that my sister wouldn’t get pregnant again. I couldn’t take it. I could take a lot of other pregnancies, and I really mean it. I was thrilled when my cousin announced her pregnancy right after I was released from the hospital. I was thrilled when one of my best friends called me (walking in egg shells, because she didn’t know how I would react) to tell me she was pregnant again.
As I restored my faith again, little by little, I had the second miscarriage. It didn’t affected me too much (funny, I know).
But yesterday, things were different. I went to an early hike before work and when I got home, I got a message from my sister telling me she is pregnant. I felt like I was being stabbed. It physically hurts. How can someone, who was preparing to file for divorce and is selling her apartment because they are broke, is pregnant again?
The only question that comes to my mind is: How this so called good God can allow this situation? Why people like me and so many others out there (if you’re reading this, you know who you are) who can really afford emotionally, financially a child, can’t have one? Why people with financial difficulties have babies with NO problem? Why, why, why?
I had a reaction that I WOULD never imagine I could have. I’ve been in physical pain since yesterday. I can’t work, I can’t stop crying. I only slept because I took sleeping pills. I can’t hear some close friends telling me God has a plan. He must have to everybody else, but not to me.
I can’t hear my parents’ voice, because I want to jump on their throats. I will try (if Paulo allows me) to cancel all the holiday celebration, because I feel I have nothing to celebrate.
I can’t pray, because I don’t trust God anymore. I feel I am back on square one, faith wise, when I first got married.
Nora and Christine, this the reason for my angry twitters from yesterday and today. And I’m afraid they will continue until I can find some peace of mind again.
I ‘m sorry for all this bad energy, but I am feeling like crap since yesterday.
This post is much more for me to vent and try to take out of my chest all my frustration and bitterness. It is a long post and you might change the way you think of me.
You see, I have a really strong personality. I was born under the Scorpion sign. And (un)fortunately I have all the bad characteristics about the sign. The two biggest things for me are: I am a person who resent someone who did something bad to me and I don’t know how to forgive.
Let me go back to my childhood. You all know I have a younger sister. She is three years younger than me. As we grew up, we got along pretty well. We were/are just different. I was always in the mood to conquer the world and she was always up for a nap and to take the easy route.
I guess my parents always knew I was stronger than her and she always got along with not having good grades, always going to private teachers to help her with her grades and so on. And for me, they demand the best performance EVER. By then, it didn’t bother me; after all I was always a top achiever.
When I met Paulo, my relationship with her took a wrong turn. She was completely against my marriage, she said I didn’t know Paulo well; he could be a crazy person and all the crazy things a disturbed mind could think of. Since she was/is always a sneaky person, she started a chain of intrigues between my parents and me. Things got so ugly that my parents didn’t go to my wedding.
A little pause: at this moment I was/am so grateful to have had my grandparents with us. They were with us during all this crazy time and they even picked a fight with my parents in our favor. But sometime during this journey I lost my faith big time.
We got married moved to US, never came back to visit. I met wonderful people over there who (if you’re reading this, you know who you are) helped me to restore my faith. And, of course, Paulo was always the rock.
We moved back to Brazil, made a quick stop on my hometown to see my grandparents. We talked a little bit with my parents. By then I was ok with the idea that they would never accept my choices and my marriage per say.
As the years passed, my sister got pregnant out of wedlock (sp?). Truth to be told, it was a triumph for me. Because I knew that this fact would be the biggest shame to my really conservative parents.
(to be continued)
